I remember thinking, “This is what our culture is obsessed with? This better get better.” PHOTOS: OPHIRA EISENBERG’S DATING LIFE After that, I started sleeping around. I met all sorts of New York girls when I first moved here. Then, in 2004, when I was 32, I had the worst sex of my life. Shortly after Garfield guy, I met a guy called Jonathan at a show I was doing downtown. We made out half the night, and then things went pretty quickly. I saw a file called “All the Girls I’ve Ever Been With.” Find me a person alive who wouldn’t open that. All these girls’ names with these objectifying descriptors beside them, like what he thought of their bodies, or their kisses, or if they had nice underwear.
At the time, everyone was quoting a scary statistic: That there were five women in NYC to every man. I mean, just hours of sitting around being like, “What do you think he meant by that? We went back to my place, and it was a little drunken — I’ve never been into talking dirty but he was like, “Let’s try it! My mom always told me, “Never let a man tell you what to do.” My whole lack of monogamy meant, for me, that I was in control. Some thought I was wasting my time with a guy or could do better. Something you’d expect from Garfield’s little dog friend Odie, instead of a man. But of course, it also meant I picked guys for whom I didn’t fall head over heels. And though he had a rough idea about my dating history and was a little intimidated by it, he was mostly thankful he didn’t meet me earlier when I was in a different headspace. Then, one day, he asked me to transfer some files on his computer.
When comedian Ophira Eisenberg moved to New York 12 years ago, she was already a self-confessed “slut.” Dedicated to the pursuit of bawdy adventure and the rejection of boring domesticity, she hooked up with guys on her terms. We nicknamed them Goose and Maverick and went back to their room with them. I was like, “Let’s get this done with.” There was no trauma, no change to my body. (I also thought: “I have great underwear that I spent a lot of money on! ” And as he said all this, I realized I was overreacting.
” I saw these girls crying into their blood-orange margaritas, and I thought, “I am not doing this.” Why did the guys have all the power? I had dozens of flings and shagged everywhere from the lows of basement comedy clubs to the highs of Brooklyn loft beds.The new version of My Love can be customized with a picture of you and your partner. Enable push notifications and never miss out on special dates! ” I went to college in Montreal, where I had intellectual sex (we dressed in costumes from a Shakespeare play), and then I moved to New York in 2001 to pursue my dream of being a comedian. But when it came to men, they were all completely befuddled. Like me, he was originally from Canada, but he’d been living in New York for a bit. The one deterrent was this beaded white necklace he was wearing. We kind of dirty talked but mostly for comedy’s sake. We went for breakfast the next day at the Waverly Diner. And I never dreamed of the wedding gown or the whole princess thing anyway. He was incredibly well-endowed, and I was honestly scared of it. ” Suddenly he was on top of me, his eyes closed, just this constant, fast thrusting. I remember a guy telling me once, “Dating you is almost like not dating anyone at all.” Because I would really be like, “Don’t call me.” I was so into that. I was intimidated by them and wanted to be like them so badly. I wasn’t enjoying the birthday party I was at, and we ended up standing side-by-side at the bar fighting for a drink. It’s the wrong place to move if that’s your ambition. But when it came to the sex, I was utterly baffled.